My best friend works as a prison guard and he volunteered to be on the Corrections Emergency Response Team (CERT). This team is called when there is a situation that requires a little extra oomph. To join, he had to pass a physical and take some training.
He recently told me about a couple of fat ass women that somehow got on the team. Apparently the female version of the physical was a quarter-mile in sixty short, cardiac-arrest-inducing minutes followed by a fifteen minute kneel and wheeze topped off with a tank of oxygen and a gurney. Two invaluable additions, to be sure.
There are three kinds of women: skinny and weak, fat and weak, and body builders. So, what does up to two-thirds of the female population have in common? They’re morons. They think they can do a job that requires a significant amount of strength like fireman, policeman, soldier, or prison guard yet more often than not they can’t even twist the top off of a jar of pickles.
When is this ridiculousness going to stop? How much longer do I have to pretend that some wildebeest can gallop across the courtyard of the prison to help protect my friend? Being on this team doesn’t come with any extra pay, no extra benefits, not even any preferential treatment as far as where he’d like to be stationed on his shift. All he gets is a higher chance of getting hurt on the job by some prisoner who’s angry he got caught beating off in the broom closet. With no perks and a higher chance of danger the last thing that any of the men on the team need is to depend on a squishy sack of cottage cheese to ooze to the rescue if something were to go terribly wrong.
Ladies, be realistic in your expectations. If just walking to the bathroom generates enough heat between your thighs your zipper melts, prison guard is probably not the job for you. Can you imagine this woman running to an emergency? She’d show up ten minutes late with enough smoke billowing up from her crotch she’d look like the Tasmanian Devil had Pigpen from Peanuts in a triangle choke. the one positive is prisoners would think the smoke was tear gas and would instinctively hit the deck.
Ladies, all I’m asking is that you realize that your physical stature and overall weakness does present certain limitations. For you petite little ladies: do you remember that time you were sitting on your boyfriend’s chest and he easily threw you off when your husband came home? What makes you think you can control an angry and violent prisoner? The only possible benefit the big girls have is they could sit on the inmates.
If you are going to even consider being on a team like that, think about losing weight and picking up something heavier than a Haagen-Dazs filled spoon and make a minimal effort to get your BMI out of the holy shit range.
Before someone accuses me of being a misogynist, understand this: putting someone’s life in danger because you are physically incapable of performing certain duties is utterly irrational. Believing that you’re able is different than actually being able. Society has kissed your ass on this long enough and it’s high time that stops. Feminism claims to be about equality, but it’s not. It’s about parity in a best case scenario (you have three coins and I have three coins, but yours are gold and mine are bronze). More often than not, it’s about privilege and that disgusts me because when someone comes along to point this out, that person is accused of all sorts of fun things except for the one thing that matters, clear thinking.