Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Irrational Feminism

My best friend works as a prison guard and he volunteered to be on the Corrections Emergency Response Team (CERT).  This team is called when there is a situation that requires a little extra oomph.  To join, he had to pass a physical and take some training. 

He recently told me about a couple of fat ass women that somehow got on the team. Apparently the female version of the physical was a quarter-mile in sixty short, cardiac-arrest-inducing minutes followed by a fifteen minute kneel and wheeze topped off with a tank of oxygen and a gurney.  Two invaluable additions, to be sure.

There are three kinds of women:  skinny and weak, fat and weak, and body builders.  So, what does up to two-thirds of the female population have in common?  They’re morons.  They think they can do a job that requires a significant amount of strength like fireman, policeman, soldier, or prison guard yet more often than not they can’t even twist the top off of a jar of pickles.

When is this ridiculousness going to stop?  How much longer do I have to pretend that some wildebeest can gallop across the courtyard of the prison to help protect my friend?  Being on this team doesn’t come with any extra pay, no extra benefits, not even any preferential treatment as far as where he’d like to be stationed on his shift.  All he gets is a higher chance of getting hurt on the job by some prisoner who’s angry he got caught beating off in the broom closet.  With no perks and a higher chance of danger the last thing that any of the men on the team need is to depend on a squishy sack of cottage cheese to ooze to the rescue if something were to go terribly wrong.

Ladies, be realistic in your expectations.  If just walking to the bathroom generates enough heat between your thighs your zipper melts, prison guard is probably not the job for you.  Can you imagine this woman running to an emergency?  She’d show up ten minutes late with enough smoke billowing up from her crotch she’d look like the Tasmanian Devil had Pigpen from Peanuts in a triangle choke.  the one positive is prisoners would think the smoke was tear gas and would instinctively hit the deck.

Ladies, all I’m asking is that you realize that your physical stature and overall weakness does present certain limitations.  For you petite little ladies:  do you remember that time you were sitting on your boyfriend’s chest and he easily threw you off when your husband came home?  What makes you think you can control an angry and violent prisoner?  The only possible benefit the big girls have is they could sit on the inmates.

If you are going to even consider being on a team like that, think about losing weight and picking up something heavier than a Haagen-Dazs filled spoon and make a minimal effort to get your BMI out of the holy shit range.

Before someone accuses me of being a misogynist, understand this: putting someone’s life in danger because you are physically incapable of performing certain duties is utterly irrational.  Believing that you’re able is different than actually being able.  Society has kissed your ass on this long enough and it’s high time that stops.  Feminism claims to be about equality, but it’s not.  It’s about parity in a best case scenario (you have three coins and I have three coins, but yours are gold and mine are bronze).  More often than not, it’s about privilege and that disgusts me because when someone comes along to point this out, that person is accused of all sorts of fun things except for the one thing that matters, clear thinking.


  1. Awesome. Well stated. I hope i can read what the counter arguments are.

  2. My Dad is an ex-Australian army solider and very proud of this. He is an alpha male...tall, large and fit. He was a para-trooper... flinging himself into the jungles of Malaysia in the middle of the night in the mid-80's..this has lead him into owning a security business. Its the only thing he can really do.

    Now.. that rant is exactly how my Dad feels about women in the military and in positions of power and security... when it comes down to physical stature and protection over anything else. I have heard it many times...MANY times. (He likes to rave and rant)

    I have grown up knowing very well that if I wanted to be in some sort of authoritarian position that potentially involves physical strength and intimation then I would be a complete idiot. Even certain sports I was deterred from. Which, as a younger woman, I never fully understood..I do now.

    My Dad never hired woman to be security officers until about 4 years ago.. why the sudden shift? I have no idea, but I will tell you this much.. the woman he hires are usually Samoan... looking and very manly! There are never more than 2 on his pay roll.

    So, even though I am a small-ish petit-ish and short-ish woman... I have to say I agree with your underlining point of view (apart from some of the aggression that tends to thread through your rants...) haha

    I know... if I was the bouncer on the door of a club and some large intoxicated man wanted in and I had to turn him away... there is no way hell I am physically strong enough to deal with that... not many woman would be.

    There are always exceptions though. Pacific Island Woman exceptions :P

    your friend from the deep south.

  3. Putting peoples lives in danger for the sake of political correctness is repulsive.

  4. Haha gggggaaaaayyyyyy

  5. gives cowards a foreman to vent their pathetic lives. How your virtual world strongly resembles the living world, one might have to ask. You could no more admit that you are talking about yourself then taking ownership of this blog. You joined a team you appear to hate and despise. Quit. No one is asking you to stay. You obviously have a problem with women on the team. You say that we are slow to respond and weak. Really! I have no problem tell you that your a "spineless little bastard" and if you ever grow the balls to walk up to me I'll tell you in person. Oh yeah and as for weak..I have a video of you screaming like a BITCH during training. So to boost your own ego you have to degrade women and find sheep to give you feedback to validate you pathetic life. Maybe the truth is the only way you could get a woman's zipper to melt or any kind of heat to generate between her legs would be to pour gasoline down her pants with a lit match. You're so concerned with the women who are slow to respond, I'll take that any day over a fucking coward who doesn't even have to balls to show up. Your the only one I know of who is concerned with the closet, guessing the reason is because you are considering coming out of it yourself. So if being there with a male inmate lights your pants on fire don't blame the rest of the female population. Lets face it. The only reason you are on the team is to better your chances of promotion. LMAO "Good Luck".

    1. I doubt you’ll come back to read this response, but I certainly hope you do.

      Wow. Okay. Where to begin? This is a pretty poorly written post, for example I think you meant that blogs give cowards a forum (not “foreman”) to “vent their pathetic lives”. I’ll forgo mopping the virtual floor with you on grammatical grounds alone, however.

      You are basically speculating that me and the friend mentioned in this post are the same. What evidence do you have of that? You clearly have none (insofar as it would be impossible for such evidence to exist). And if you did have evidence, there’s no doubt in my mind that a person of your caliber would have used it long before now.

      However, since you think that you know who I am, it is reasonable to assume either you are one of the people from my friend’s story or placing incapable women in situations they are ill equipped to handle is a more pervasive problem in American prisons than I previously thought.

      Either way, the greeting Hello Fat Ass, is apropos.

      Since you claim to have a video of “me” (the person who you think is me), It safe to assume you would have been to one of those trainings. It is also safe to assume you are on either the team from this post or one of the many similar teams from around the country. So, let me ask you: Just how long would it take you to run a mile? How many pull ups could you do? If the answer to the previous question is zero (which it likely is) how many seconds of free hanging could you pull off? Or would your shoulders dislocate under the downward force of the sheer rotundity of your derriere?

      You see, the problem I have isn’t with women in general, it’s with slow, out of shape, fat ass, and (made painfully obvious by your writing) poorly educated individuals being put into a position to protect my friend’s life. The post is titled “Irrational Feminism” for that very reason. Feminism is irrational when its social effects put wholly unqualified women in such positions in the name of equality.

      The remainder of your eighth-grade-reading-level diatribe is a pathetically weak attempt to infuriate the person you think I am. Since I am not that person (and frankly even if I were) I’d read your words with the dispassionate disinterest of an adult looking down his nose at an overweight, commiserable little girl who makes up for her lack of ability with a dogged determination to live the most acrimonious life possible.

      The irony, which is almost certainly lost on you, is that you claim I’m hiding behind a blog, yet you posted your comment as Anonymous.

      Please-o-please respond.

      Yours truly,

      The Deviant Sophist